Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Thoughts...or a Vent...Maybe Both...

I consider myself a calm, thoughtful person. I always think before I speak, sometimes to a fault. Sometimes I'll have entire conversations in my head before even having the actual conversation to think about how some one will take what I say. I'm always so careful not to say or type something that could be interpreted as upsetting.* I make a habit of never actually posting any of my personal, deep opinions on Facebook or any other social media avenue for fear that some one won't respect my right to my opinion and will lash out at me. I'm not a bitch even though sometimes I wish I could be. Let me tell you something though, sometimes being the better person just sucks!

I've had a really rough year. I'm not going to go into details because it's my personal, personal life and I just am not comfortable blogging about all that at this point. But, this year was rough. Could things have been worse, yes! Did my world end, no. But guess what, to me, in my little world, it was hard...really, really hard. I've struggled. I've cried more than I'd like to admit. I've questioned myself and wondered so often if there was something wrong with me. I've struggled with my faith. I've struggled with friendships. I've tried so hard to stay strong and hold on while the storms blew around me. I'm human though. I hurt. I feel. Sometimes too deeply...often to a fault. But guess what, that's ME. Bad and good but it's me. I have to accept that and pray that those in my life can accept it too. 

I've expressed opinions and had them misunderstood. I've even lost friends who I've loved deeply over misunderstandings. I've tried to talk to them and explain my 'side of the story' but I guess it just doesn't matter. I'm not sure why this keeps happening to me. It's made me question so many things (see above). I just don't get it. I'm not a hurtful person. I love my friends deeply and would do anything for them. I often care too much I guess. I never speak up when I'm hurt...even if my feelings are justified. I've found that the few times I do I'm just thrown away like yesterday's trash. It breaks my heart a million times over. I don't understand. I know I'm not perfect. Relationships are rough. Not just marriages but friendships. True friendship is supposed to be about hearing each other out. Being there when some one needs you. Being in tune with what your friend is going through. Listening when they are hurting or confused. Understanding when they screw up. Forgiving when they screw up. Not just willing to toss you aside. Like I said, I just don't understand. 

My goal this year is to walk away from the negative...cut out all those toxic relationships. Sometimes it's so hard to see them too and let me tell you it's heartbreaking to walk away. I hate losing people. Hate it. Maybe it's because I come from a divorced family. Maybe it's because I lost a lifetime of 'friends' when we left our church 11 years ago. (That's a whole different post.) Who knows why it hurts so much. I just know it does. 

You're probably wondering why on earth I'm writing this or sharing it on my blog. Honestly, I'm not 100% sure. Maybe it's in hopes that those friends I lost will see and understand that I still love them. Hoping maybe they care enough to see I'm not a horrible person. Maybe I just need to vent/rant. Sometimes that alone is therapeutic. Maybe I want those others who are like me to know that they aren't alone. Maybe it's my closure...maybe I can finally start healing and move forward. Whatever the reason this is truth from my heart. It might ruffle some feathers, who knows. Honestly at this point I've seemed to ruffle so many that I don't have many others left to ruffle. 

This is me, take it or leave it. I am honest, I am kind, I am compassionate, I am true, I am ME. 

Now I will leave you with some quotes that I found on Pinterest that have spoken to me...who doesn't love Pinterest?! 

*(I've read and re-read this post so many times deleting and rewriting it because I don't want to upset someone. See, I told you! lol)