I want to start this by letting you all know that I’m laying out my heart in this post. This is a very honest look into my heart. To some it might sound depressing but to others it might be encouraging…if you too are or have felt this you are not alone. I’m going to break this post up into a couple installments so it’s not a huge book to read. I will say that while this post is heavy there is good coming. In our darkest hours is when we find Him…when we are completely empty He can then fill us. Through our pain and hurt He speaks to us and blesses us to help others.
Lately I’ve been struggling. I’ve been battling those demons that I think every mother fights…the “am I really cut out for this” demons. The ones that make you feel like you suck at being a parent. That make you feel overwhelmed at life and the crazy moments and crazy mess that comes along with having three kids…three BOYS none the less. I feel so guilty for admitting that I’ve had these feelings. I mean, this is what I always wanted…to be a stay-at-home momma and wife. But why, now that I’m here, do I feel like I have no clue what I’m doing and no clue what God’s plan is for me?
A friend of mine recently went through some difficult times herself. She explained the overwhelming feeling perfectly and this is how I’ve felt lately. “It’s like your standing in the ocean and the water is up to your shoulders and the waves are just rolling in. They keep swallowing you, barely giving you time to catch the smallest breath before the next big wave comes over your head.”
I look at my beautiful boys and feel like I’m failing them. There are days that I feel like all I do is yell at them. Then I wonder, maybe they are acting out because they need me. Then I feel guilty. I wonder if I’m doing the best I can with them. What is even the best for them anyway? How on earth do I know? Where do I even begin? And the house…oh the mess that these boys make! It’s never ending! Thank goodness for my husband…he does so much here to help. If it weren’t for him I think I’d truly give up on the mess! By the time the laundry is done, folded, and put away and the rooms are clean and organized you turn around and it’s one bit chaotic mess again! I’ll be honest, sometimes I think “Why do we even bother cleaning it up?!” I know I’m not the only one who thinks this way….well, at least I hope I’m not.
Sunday morning I felt the very strong pull to go to church. A church that we’d visited recently posted on Facebook Saturday about the message they were sharing this week and I felt God saying to my heart “You need to hear this.” I pushed the feeling aside for the moment. I woke up though and sat with my coffee contemplating. I enjoy church…I love singing and feeling wrapped up in the music. I just really didn’t want to go…I mean, that meant I’d have to get a shower and get dressed and even *gasp* put make-up on! But, I listened to my heart and gave myself a kick in the butt and headed out. On the way I fought the doubting in my heart. I’ve been trying to listen to K-Love more often. I know that when I listen I am filled with a better spirit. The songs are often very uplifting. As I was driving a song came on that really struck me.
The opening words alone made me want to cry:
“I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail”
Again I felt guilty for letting my hope fail. I know my God is an awesome God and I know that through Him I can get through anything. But still I have let these doubts and fears cloud my heart and my mind. But…God wanted me to hear this song…He wanted me to know that I’m not the only one who has felt this way. He also wanted to prepare my heart for the word that He would be speaking to me through the pastor that morning.
Tomorrow I will share this word with you as I think this post is already lengthy enough. Please know that that there is hope here. That while I have felt little hope I do know that my hope can and will be renewed. I pray that you will come back to read what I have to share tomorrow…