Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Realities

I know my last post was all rainbows and butterflies so this one is going to seem so down and dreary but I want to post honest things so here goes…

Today things change. Today we start a new normal…a normal that I never pictured and a normal that’s not cool. Today is Monkey’s first Methotrexate injection. When we found out that this was the next step I was able to take it in stride but now that the moment is just hours away I’d be lying if I said I was okay. I’m not okay. This is not okay. Monkey is not okay. Sure if you look at him he seems fine. He runs and jumps and is crazy just like his brothers. People honestly don’t believe me when I say that he has arthritis. They don’t see the flip side. The swollen joints, the limping, the pharmacy of medications in our cupboard, and now the needles.

What’s worse is I swear he knows today’s not a normal doctor visit. We decided not to talk to him about the injections before hand because he’s 3…he just doesn’t really understand and if anything it would probably just freak him out. Well, guess what, ever since he got up this morning he’s been crying that he doesn’t want to go to the doctor. Not whining…genuine, heartfelt, sad tears. I just tell him, “I know buddy, I know you don’t but we have to.” And he just holds on to me tighter and cries. Breaks this momma’s heart.

I’ve had my freak out moments, shed plenty of tears and have been praying constantly for pretty much the last 24 hours. People say I’m strong but I certainly don’t feel strong. What I do know is that God designed me to be Monkey’s momma and I know that HE can be my strength. I draw on that and I WILL be strong for Monkey.