When you’re headed into a situation that you know won’t be pleasant you try your best to prepare yourself for the worst and you try to psych yourself up for it. Usually it goes way better than you expected and then sometimes it ends up pretty much the way you thought it would go.
I tried to prepare myself for yesterday and I truly thought I could be strong. I thought I’d be able to do what needed to be done but when the moment came I just couldn’t do it. It was the worst feeling ever. Here was our son, being held against his will already anxious about what was going on and confused and I go and prick him and make things worse because I can’t bring myself to stick the needle in. At that point I couldn’t hold in the tears. I felt awful. I hated that I was hurting my baby, I hated that I couldn’t even do what needed done, I hated that I was breaking down in front of him. I mean, I’m supposed to be strong for him…not break down and loose it. Thankfully Ed was able to take over. I held Monkey with all might might while he screamed and we both turned the other way. Ed quickly gave him his injection and then it was all over. Monkey picked a sticker and kept saying, “We get out of here now?” Poor little dude was done. So we gathered all our supplies and took him out to the main lobby of Children’s Hospital for some Italian ice. Soon he was tear free and jumping around like his normal crazy self like nothing had happened.
The rest of the day I will admit I was really down and upset with myself. I felt like I had failed to do my job as his momma. I know it’s not true but I’m being honest about my feelings. It was also just breaking my heart that I hurt him. Man, momma guilt is awful. I am so thankful for my husband though. For the fact that he stepped in and did what I couldn’t. I realize now as I type this that God really was my strength yesterday. I didn’t have to be as strong as I thought because Ed was strong for me. Guess that’s why we make such a great team.