I started blogging to share my parenting story. A story about having a child with special needs…a story about having a child with Juvenile Arthritis. My blogging adventure started 5 years ago and so much has changed since then. My blog changed too. I lost sight of why I started blogging. My blogging went from me sharing my story to just sharing stories for others about things like shows and events. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing…My boys and I were able to experience a LOT of amazing things because of my blog and the sponsors I worked with. But, that said, my original inspiration for blogging…my original blog….was lost.
A lot has happened in my little world to in the past five years. Pain, heartache, anxiety, deep personal hurts that I was afraid to share. I didn’t use writing as my therapy like I did in the beginning. Honestly, I was fearful that if I actually put words to what was going on that it would make it all more real. I was living in denial. Trying to push down the inevitable. If I just got busy with ‘life’ then it would all go away and eventually work itself out. I mean, that’s how things work right? But it’s not. Pushing it all down and ignoring it only makes life harder. Makes the anxiety and depression worse.
In the past two years I’ve had to learn the hard lesson to focus on me. I felt selfish at first. Making time for me. Finding what made me happy. I discovered though that with every little true piece of me that I found I also found little glimpses of happiness…happiness I hadn’t seen in a very long time. It sounds really strange but I’m finally growing up. I’ve always been dependent, naive, uncertain, scared, weak. I’m learning to be strong. I’m learning that I AM strong. I CAN do this thing called life. I AM an amazing mother even though I feel like I’m failing miserably. I am still finding me. I hope I will always keep learning more about myself. That’s what makes life so amazing, right? Learning. Growing. Changing. Experiencing. Staying in the same place, being stagnant is painful. Learning and growing is too but it’s a different kind of pain. It’s a beautiful pain…the kind that lets you see something new on the other side.
I am dreaming again. I am taking a stand for those dreams. I am working to make memories for my boys. I am working to show them what a woman can be: Strong, Independent, Imperfect, Loving, Hopeful, Tearful, Joyful, REAL.